A Life Without Fear (Life #2) Read online

  I wish I could stab him in the heart. I hate him.

  My grandfather turns away from me and looks up to the sky. “I’m not sure if I did the right thing, I know he deserved to go to jail, but I couldn’t have that video out there. He signed a binding contract stating that he gave us all the copies of the video and should he ever release it, or produce another copy, he would be immediately reported to the police. He didn’t want that, he didn’t want to ruin his reputation much like your mother. It’s disgusting how similar the two of them are. Sometimes I sit at night wondering if I should’ve pressed charges. What if he tried to do this to another child?” He turns to look at me. “I have a private investigator on him regularly. He knows, should he ever get near a child again I will come after him. I hope that was enough to keep him away. At least I had hoped it was enough but, unfortunately, he still found his way to you.”

  “Granddad, you can’t carry all that guilt, you did what you thought was best.”

  “Did I, though? Did I do what was best for you darlin’?”

  “Yes, just knowing that he made a video makes me sick to my core but had it been released, I’m not sure I could’ve recovered from that Granddad. I’m sorry that all of this had to rest in your hands. I’m sorry about the pain I’ve caused everyone. I’m so sorry.”

  My granddad stands and pulls me into his arms. We stand like this for a while before calling Rodger and heading back inside to sit in the living room.

  “I’m telling you this now because I want you to be prepared in case Edward ever mentions the video. There’s no chance it will ever be released, I had every trace of it wiped from all his devices.” He smiles softly. I’m not sure I want to know how he managed to do that. “I’m not sure what his intention was, but be sure I won’t let it happen again. Do you understand everything I’m telling you, Angelica?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good, now no more talk of him for now, okay? Go upstairs, take a bath and change into your most comfortable pajamas. I’m sure the whole group will be waiting in the kitchen by the time you’re done.” Getting up, I give my granddad a kiss on the cheek.

  “Sounds good, Granddad.” Turning, I make my way to the stairs. “Oh, and Granddad?”

  “Yes, darlin’?”

  “Thank you.” Smiling at him, I head up the stairs before he has time to respond.

  Walking straight into my bathroom, I start the tub while turning on my stereo. I chose shuffle on my Pandora. ‘Unchained Melody’ starts playing through the speakers. Classic song, it never gets old. I strip and walk into the steamy tub. The water is so soothing, the music is remarkably calming. The last few days have been intense to say the least. Not only will things change within my family, but the incident that set this off happened at work. What will I tell Bill? How will I explain to him why I reacted so strongly to seeing Edward? I’ll have to cross that bridge when the time comes. Although he was there that night at my brownstone, he must know something already. Ugh, Jesus, what a nightmare.

  My own mother, my flesh, and blood would rather pretend nothing happened, so as to not embarrass her, rather than punish the man that assaulted her daughter. Shockingly that hurts more than the revelation that there is a video of the horrific event. A mother is supposed to protect you, defend you from all that’s bad in the world. My mother failed miserably, and the one time she could’ve stepped up and fixed her wrong, she chose to pretend it never happened. God my heart aches. How can she be so selfish? How could she live with herself? Whatever relationship I had with that woman is now nonexistent. Tears sting the back of my eyes, no father, and no mother. Sad. At least I have my grandfather, and technically he’s not my real grandfather, only my mother’s stepfather. Praise Jesus for him, it’s as if God knew I was going to have fucked-up parents so he sent me Timothy James Cane. Thank you, God.

  Letting the water out of the tub, I gingerly go to stand. I’m not feeling entirely like myself. The last thing I want to do is get up too fast and eat shit while naked. After grabbing a towel and wrapping my hair in it, on the top of my head, I go in search of my most comfortable pajamas.

  Changing quickly, I throw my hair in a messy bun while hearing the commotion going on in the kitchen; I don’t want to miss it. The reason for my house being full saddens me, but I do find joy in everyone being here. Before this mess with Edward, I never had such frequent visitors. I kind of like it, this is definitely a feeling I wouldn’t mind getting used to.

  Finding everyone in the kitchen, well sitting at the table, Betty is in the kitchen, I stand in the doorway.

  “Yummy, what’s that smell?” I could smell the food coming down the stairs.

  “Chicken fried steak…I’m trying to fatten you up because you’re too thin.”

  “Her ass ain’t thin,” Joey says under his breath, but Betty hears him loud and clear.

  “Boy, you better be apologizing to her. Don’t you ever talk about a woman like that, do you understand me?” I try my hardest not to laugh while Joey goes pale.

  “Yes, Betty. I’m sorry, Angelica.”

  Winking at him. “It’s okay, Joey, I forgive you.”

  “That’s better. Now Joey get in here and start peeling some potatoes.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Betty shoots him the death glare. “I mean, Betty!” Blake and I laugh at their exchange. Moving across the kitchen, I take Joey’s seat as he heads into the kitchen to do his chore.

  “How are you feeling?” Blake asks.

  “Better, just feeling a little out of it.”

  “It’ll take you a while to feel like yourself again. Your body is probably still recovering from almost overdosing.” My grandfather’s tone is somber.

  “I’m sorry.” I’m not sure who I’m speaking to. They’re allowed an apology for what I did to them and put them through.

  “Angelica, we know why you did it. Like I said, we don’t agree with your choices, but we understand why you did what you did. Well, to an extent we do. Let’s not talk about that, okay? Let’s move on and enjoy this meal.” Smiling at my granddad, I nod my head.

  Dinner goes smoothly and light conversations are going on throughout the meal. My grandfather tells us they’ll be leaving tomorrow evening after a few meetings. They left in such haste they didn’t delegate the ranch to anyone. Just got a family friend in to feed the animals, but they need to go back and put everything in order. Joey assures him that upon his departure, he will be my shadow. Rolling my eyes at him, he catches me and smiles bigger. He knows I hate being babysat. Blake’s been silent the whole meal, only speaking when spoken to. After dinner, we all clean up and my granddad and Betty head up to bed, they’re staying in one of the spare rooms. Joey leaves shortly after; he has a big shoot early in the morning. He offered to cancel, but I wouldn’t hear a word of it. After walking him out, I return to the kitchen in search of Blake only he’s not there. Walking around the whole first floor I don’t spot him, and then I hear a noise coming from the backyard. Blake and Rodger are playing catch and it puts a smile on my face. Slipping on some slippers I keep by the back door, then slowly open the door. Both heads turn in my direction, Rodger runs to greet me, but Blake only smiles.

  “Is everything okay, Blake?”

  “Why do you ask?”

  “Well, you were reticent during dinner, you seem to be elsewhere.” He finally moves and sits in one of the patio chairs and I follow suit. “Is this situation too much for you? I want you to know that I wouldn’t think any less of you if you wanted to just go your separate way. This is a lot to take on, hell, I’m a lot to take on.” I feel the lump in the back of my throat and swallow hard. Breaking eye contact, I stare at my feet. He tilts my chin up until my eyes meet his. Standing, he reaches into his back pocket and he pulls out a leather wallet. Unsure of where he’s going with this, I simply watch him. He retrieves a piece of folded paper then sits back down and hands it to me. Gingerly, I take it out of his hands and begin to unfold it. Immediately, I know what it is and feel the tears
on my cheek.

  “You really did print out the email.” I laugh softly.

  “I’m not going anywhere…don’t forget it,” he recites part of the email back to me.

  “Well, to be fair, I did tell you I was going to push. There are so many other women out there, women with no strings or issues. I wouldn’t fault you, that’s all I’m saying.”

  “Angelica, this is always going to be a thing with you isn’t it? Always telling me that there’s better out there for me? Easier? Less complicated? So what if there is? I don’t want that, I want you. Now give me back that email, I’m sure I’m going to need it again soon.” Smiling I hand it back to him and lean back in my chair looking up at the sky.

  “I’m sorry, Blake. I’m sorry that I went to your brother’s club and I’m sorry for whatever happened there.” The tears are back once again. It’s such a horrible feeling not knowing what happened that night.

  “Angelica, look at me.” I shake my head. “Please, Angelica...” Taking a deep breath, I turn my head toward him. “You didn’t have sex with Jon.” Placing my head on my lap, I cry. I’m crying because I didn’t sleep with Jon but also because I know I would have, had Joey and Blake not found me. “Don’t cry, Angelica. I’m sorry. I thought that would've made you happy.” He sounds so sad.

  “I’m happy, Blake. I’m sad that I didn’t know what I’d done with him. I’m also embarrassed by my behavior. I apologize for putting you in this position. Please don’t be mad at your brother for my decisions.”

  “Do not call him my brother!” Blake abruptly stands causing the chair to scrape against the concrete. I’ve never heard him yell, I’m startled into silence. Watching him pace for a while, running his hands through his hair he continues, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. Jon is nothing to me. You did not put anyone in any situation. He had a choice when you walked into his club, he made the wrong decisions. For that he will pay, trust that I will handle him. It is I that should be apologizing for his behavior, apologizing for ever doing business with him when I knew he was a bad person.” He’s now standing in front of me.

  “You don’t have to apologize, Blake.”

  “Neither do you, okay?” He grasps my hands and pulls me up then wraps his arms around my waist and holds me. Wrapping my arms around his, I rest my head on his chest. I don’t know how long we stand like this, but it isn’t long enough. The simple act of resting on his chest and being held is soothing. He lifts my chin to meet his gaze. “I should get going, it’s getting late and you need your rest. Can I take you out for dinner tomorrow?” I simply smile and nod. “Thank you.” He smiles down at me then places his lips ever so gently on mine. The kiss is short and sweet. He takes my hand and we make our way to the front door. After another quick peck, he sees himself out. I lock up and head to my room.

  Today’s been mentally and emotionally exhausting. I need to get some rest because tomorrow I’ll call Bill. I’m going to need all the strength I can gather to tell my boss why I reacted the way I did.

  I was walking through the office and there was no one there. Silence was all that greets me. A noise coming from down the hall had me heading in that direction. A man walked briskly into the conference room.

  “Hello?” I yelled but received no response. I turned the corner into the room and the door slammed behind me. Turning to see who closed it, I was pushed from behind and slammed into the door.

  “You will never get away from me.”

  Waking with a gasp and startled, I sit up and see I’m in my room with Rodger at my side. He starts pacing my bed, evidently worried about my behavior. After a few calming breaths, I rub his back and reassure him I’m fine. I hear talking coming from downstairs, so I hurry through my morning bathroom routine and head downstairs.

  The heavenly smell of coffee greets me.

  “Good morning,” I greet walking into the kitchen.

  “Good morning, sweet girl. Come give me a morning hug.” Smiling at Betty, I hurry into her waiting arms. “I have coffee ready and waiting for you. Would you like some eggs and toast?”

  “You don’t have to do that Betty, I can make my own breakfast.”

  “Oh shush now. Go on and fix your coffee and I’ll start on the eggs.” There really is no arguing with her, so I do as she says.

  “Where’s Granddad?” Looking at the clock, it’s only 6:00 a.m.

  “He had a few appointments he had to get to and should be back by lunch. He wants you to stay home today. He’s already spoken to your boss.” My jaw drops. “He told him what he needed to know and nothing more. Don’t fault him, Angelica, he’s only doing what he thinks is in your best interest.”

  “But it should have come from me, Betty. I should’ve been the one to explain my actions. I feel like a child.” Crossing my arms on the counter, I rest my head, now acting like one.

  “Angelica, it’s done no need to fuss over it. You’re not a child.” She turns from the stove and places a plate of eggs in front of me. As she heads to the toaster, she stops and looks at me. “Speaking of childish acts, I want you to understand something child of mine. What you did was unacceptable.” Tears sting the back of my eyes and a lump forms in the back of my throat.

  This was the reaction I was expecting, this is the reaction I deserve.

  “I’m not saying that I don’t understand why you did it because Lord knows that I do, but that doesn’t make it right. Angelica, in life there’s always going to be obstacles that are going to drown you, but you must rise above them. Life’s precious, sweet girl, a gift that’s not given to everyone, never forget that. Every morning that you wake up is a blessing, one that you need to embrace, not try to end. When your sorrow feels so heavy, remember to breathe Angelica. Breathe in the air that keeps you alive and exhale all of the air that’s holding you down.” She smiles softly then continues to the toaster.

  I do nothing but stare at her back as she butters the toast. Her words have cut me so deeply, but sweet Jesus she’s right. I don’t deserve her; I don’t deserve the life I live. How could I do something so stupid? Nearly killing myself was my decision and my decision alone. I know why I took those pills—it was to calm my nerves because I knew they’d make me feel better. When I felt that they weren’t doing their job, I decided to take more. Then I chose to get piss ass drunk because I wanted to not remember. What the hell is wrong with me? I even knew at the time that I was fucking up, yet I didn’t stop not even hesitate. For Christ’s sake, I almost fucked Jon! I knew that would happen if I went, and I still walked into that club.

  “Angelica, please stop crying.” Looking up at Betty, I hadn’t even realized I was crying.

  “Thank you for saying that to me Betty, I needed to hear it.”

  “I know you did, sweet child, I know you did.” She comes around the bar and hugs me tightly. “Now that you’ve ruined these eggs by crying into them, why don’t you take the toast and your coffee and head to the backyard to let Rodger roam?” Grabbing the toast from her, I reach for my coffee cup. Rodger is already by the back door waiting.

  Sitting in one of my lounge chairs, I sip my coffee. How does one come back from such an incident? Do I pretend it never happened? Do I explain myself and hope people have compassion? Do I move to a different city? Who the fuck am I kidding, I’m never leaving the city, I love this place. I need to put on my big girl panties and own up to my mistakes. Apologies are in order. Proving myself has never been more important to me. Everyone needs to know that this was a one-time crisis and that it’ll never happen again. How will I do that? Who knows, but I’ll figure it out.

  Playing fetch with Rodger for a while, I drink my coffee while nibbling on toast. Rodger is antsy so I decide to take him for a run, thinking it will be good for the both of us. We head back inside together; Betty is nowhere to be found, so I wash my dishes then head up to my room to change. Quickly changing into my running clothes, I go in search of Betty finding her in the library reading a book.

  “Hey Betty,
I’m going to take Rodger for a short run. I’ll stop if I feel off, okay?” I reassure her before she gives me the death stare.

  “All right, sweet girl, be safe.”

  Rodger is excitedly panting by the front door. I put his leash on him then head out not asking him, I chose to go to the right. We’ll only do two miles this time, knowing I’ll regret it if I try to do more. We hit our stride quickly and it feels great. The burning in my lungs, the air on my face, feels great. Darius Rucker is singing ‘Homegrown Honey’ in my ears. At the one mile mark, we turn around and head back home. Feeling my legs burning already; I need to slowly ease back into my routine. It’s the beginning of the Christmas season and people are starting to decorate. I love this time of year—the decorations and the music, I adore it all. The sights make the run that much better. Once we arrive home, I let Rodger off his leash and head into the kitchen for some water. The kitchen is empty, as is the dining room and living room. Heading back up to the library to let Betty know I’m home I hear my granddad’s voice as I get closer. Tapping lightly on the open door before I walk in, my granddad smiles at me.

  “How was your run darlin’?”

  “It was nice Granddad, how were your meetings?” I look at him eagerly knowing they concerned me.

  “They went well. Why don’t you have a seat and we can discuss a few things.” Nodding while I walk in and sit in the adjacent recliner across from them on the couch. “Right, I spoke with my Lawyer today and we went over the contract we had Edward sign many years ago. In that contract, it stated that he was never to make contact with you in any way shape or form, should he break that clause we would have him arrested.” Trying not to cry, I continue staring at them both. I want to be strong for once in my God damn life, I’m sick of crying. “Well, given what he pulled I’ve had him arrested.”

  My heart stops, could this be it? Could this be the end of always looking over my shoulder? Always wondering if and when he will show up and try to fuck with me. Is that now a thing of the past? Feeling my eyes water, I refuse to cry.